i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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