Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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