Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Can Purell be used as lube?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
