last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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