i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
is wine microwaveable?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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