He disabled his match.com account in front of me
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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