Porn is love you can see.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
