you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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