Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
