people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
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He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
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You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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