My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
