im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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