glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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