ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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