what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
