Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
