I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
You work out of a Hotel?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
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And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
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I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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