Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
