A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
