someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
