he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
