what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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