a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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