i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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