in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
