did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
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