you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
