but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
