I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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