all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
