Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
