I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
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Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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