some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
