gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
