Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i need an iv and a liver transplant
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
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I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
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Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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