"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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