Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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