I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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