Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
