Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Ladies don't puke and tell
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
