Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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