My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
