This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
