Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
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I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
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Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic