Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.