he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I can't turn off my feet"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.