those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
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Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
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Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.