I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
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dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
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IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?