just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
i think my cat just said my name.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
