i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
How naked do you want me to be?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
