I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I checked into jail on foursquare
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Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
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I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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