I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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