I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Semen is not good for contacts.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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