It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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