there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
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after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
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We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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