Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
