I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
