Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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