I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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