My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
