You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
