I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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