just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
