Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
